Shadowed Soul Read online

“Okay, I’ve decided, I love you more than most ice-cream flavors and the same as Raspberry Ripple and Chocolate,” I declared.

  “That’s fair, I guess,” said Beth. “I still love you more than Sex and the City.”

  Through the park we bantered and laughed and shivered, our hands clasped together while Bailey explored nearby. It had stopped snowing for the moment, but the horizon was heavy with the threat of more. We reached our usual bench, its wood damp and cold so I spread my overcoat. Relieved to doff my coat, I sweated under layers that included a new sweater from Beth. The luxurious knit was of exquisitely dense grey wool that sweltered.

  “You’ll catch a cold,” warned Beth.

  “Not in this sweater! Beth, Shakleton took this on the Endurance to the South Pole, didn’t he?!”

  “So, you like it?” She touched my arm and smiled a little.

  “Honey, I love it the same as ice-cream.” I laughed and we sat down. “Can we talk?”

  “Of course we can, Thomas.” She turned to face me, her expression open and honest. “We can always talk. I wish we’d talk more than we do.”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry Beth. I do try, but sometimes…” I stopped as I pondered the best words to explain why I had been fired from my job.

  “I know you do, honey,” said Beth, eager for me to continue.

  “I am so sorry about being such a dick to you over the last couple of months,” I apologized. “I’ve been unbearable, haven’t I?”

  “No, not at all. I mean, I’ve been pretty preoccupied with the baby and getting my body back and mended,” she said and took my hand. “Thomas, I know what you go through and I know how you feel better than almost anyone and I understand that it’s been hard. A new baby, me living at my parents and, well, you don’t cope too well in that apartment alone. I’ve been worried about you but I’ve always understood why you’ve been so absent.”

  “I should have been with you and Bailey,” I said. She looked at me with an odd expression, so I added hastily, “…and the baby. I mean, I missed the first months of his life. Look, Beth, I just want us all to be together again and I’m trying so hard to get a new apartment and…”

  “Thomas, will you be honest with me?”

  “Of course, Beth!” My heart sank. Had my former boss somehow gotten in touch with her before I had a chance to remediate the mess myself? Impossible! I wanted to be honest with her, I truly did but I did not want to ruin Christmas for our family.

  “Okay, are you happy that we’ve got a child?” asked Beth.

  “Yes, of course,” I said too quickly, she stared me down. “I just worry that I won’t be a good enough dad for him. I want his life to be better than mine. And, and, I don’t want him to grow up hating me.”

  “He won’t,” assured Beth, stroking my face.

  “He might,” I said with certainty, avoiding her gaze. “I hate my mother.”

  “Thomas.” Beth’s sharp tone whipped my attention. “First, you don’t hate your mother. You don’t understand her, and maybe you don’t like her but that’s not the same as hate. You don’t have room in your heart for hatred, Thomas.” Beth stopped herself as tears welled up in her eyes. “That’s not true though, is it? You do have hatred inside you and it’s all directed inwards. That’s the hardest thing for me to accept, how much you hate yourself.”

  “It’s because of my--” I began, but Beth cut me short.

  “You’ve got to stop blaming your mother, Thomas. It’s your life now. Our life!” exclaimed Beth.

  “I don’t always hate myself, or my mother,” I mumbled, reminding myself I was now free of the woman who had crushed my confidence for decades.

  “You’ve got to let it go,” urged Beth softly, squeezing my hand, mitten on glove. “Secondly, you are nothing like your mom. You are a warm and sensitive man and no matter how bad things get, you are a wonderful, resilient man. You won’t be a perfect dad, and guess what? I won’t be a perfect mom, but we’ll be good parents and that’s all Jonathan will need. People survive worse, Thomas.” Beth kissed me on the corner of my mouth. “Like this.” She kissed me again. “And this.” And again, this time on my lips. I wanted more. “How much do you love me, Thomas?” But I could not answer because Beth’s mouth had eclipsed mine. For a long time we smooched on the park bench.

  “With all my heart,” I finally whispered never more certain in my life.

  “I’m very glad to hear that,” whispered Beth in return, and kissed me again.

  Now was the time. Now that Beth and I had reinforced our love and dedication for one another, I had to tell her the truth.

  “Beth, I lost my job,” I said apologetically. “I didn’t want to wreck your Christmas, but--” Beth placed her hand on my cheek, her eyes were like lasers.

  “You hated your job, Thomas,” she fired back reassuringly.

  “But this means we won’t be able to get an apartment for months now.”

  “Okay,” she pondered and clasped my hand. “Well then, we’ll think of something. My dad says that there are jobs where he works. He can put in a good word for you.”

  “I wouldn’t be good at building, Beth. Remember that shelf I put up?” I smiled lamely.

  “There are office jobs, too. Copywriters! You can do that, Thomas. Maybe slip in a bit of your poetry?” Beth winked.

  “I’m not a writer, Beth,” I protested. “I’ve got a masters degree!”

  “So, we’ll find you another job. It’s not as if we don’t have a million options,” stated Beth. “We live in the richest city on earth. It’s all going to be fine, Thomas, we’ll all be fine. I promise.” Beth’s promise was fairy dust to my soul. I believed her.

  The part of me that fought earnestly against the Shadowed Soul believed Beth’s truth was stronger. I wanted her to be right. I had everything I needed to be happy so maybe I would be able to cut through all the other stuff and remain happy. That shouldn’t be a difficult thing to achieve, not really, not when I had so many people rooting for me to succeed and conquer my demons.

  “It’s a process, Thomas,” said Beth, as if reading my mind and correcting my flawed thinking. “It’s a process, not an end. Our happiness together, I mean.”

  A big wet snowflake landed on my face and I smiled.

  “We should get back,” I said, and kissed her.

  “Yeah, we should,” agreed Beth holding me close. “It’s nearly time to open all the gifts!”

  “You’re my gift,” I whispered, wrapping Beth in my arms as snow fell heavier. Bailey was enchanted by the snow. Beth and I giggled watching our dog snap at lazy flakes. “Beth, you’re my gift, now and forever.” Content, my mind rewound lazily to my frenzied day of shopping for Christmas. “Such a savior, those gift-wrap services at all the stores!” For the life of me, I could not recall what I had bought for Beth. Of all the people in the world to forget, I could not reconstruct in my mind what gift or even what store I had chosen most suitable for my wife’s special present.

  “Bailey, time to go home and open presents,” said Beth, shaking me from my addled memory. Bailey obeyed, taking his place beside Beth, his training as a service dog overriding our man’s best friend relationship. We’re going home, I thought, with a great sense of comfort. As we walked Beth held my hand.

  “So, what happened with your job?” asked Beth innocently presenting me the opportunity to come clean.

  “Thomas, just tell the bitch to fuck off,” said the Shadowed Soul, out of no where. “It’s none of her goddamned business.”

  “Recession,” I mumbled. “Not enough work coming in.” I could not believe I was already lying to my wife again. My pervasive companion ran through the snow, giggling and squealing like an imbecile as he rushed me and grasped the nape of my neck. I weaved, then heaved.

  “You okay?” asked Beth, very concerned. Bailey ran up and licked me as I bent over facing my boots, hyperventilating with dry heaves.

  “Yeah.” I caught my breath. “I’m just feeling like maybe I’m comi
ng down with something.”

  “Let’s get you home, honey,” said Beth reassuringly, and clicked at Bailey to proceed.

  The Shadowed Soul was coming home with us, too.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  It was almost midnight and I sat on the bed and watched as Beth continued to coo and fuss over the baby. Jonathan had barely stopped screeching and so the unveiling of gifts had essentially been ruined. Through the baby’s intermittent squalling, presents had been opened quickly. Dorothy had handed Beth the last gift under the tree, mine to Beth. I was eager to see what I had bought her. Jonathan’s keening did not help me remember, that is for sure.

  “Beth, from your husband,” said Dorothy passing Beth a 5”x5” box in a robin’s egg blue box with a red ribbon. “Oooh, looks like Tiffany and Company wrapping!” Dorothy winked at Beth. Had I gone to Tiffany? I wondered. I still could not recall one store from my barrage of shopping while I had been in my hypo-manic state.

  The baby writhed and screamed more on Beth’s lap as she untied the red satin ribbon then slowly tipped up the lid of the box to poke around inside. Jonathan screamed again just as Beth’s expression fell in irritation.

  “Is it from Tiffany?” pressed Dorothy.

  “No,” Beth replied flatly, gathering box and baby. “I’ll change his diapers.” It was still hard for her to stand with ease, due to her surgery, but she quickly left the room avoiding eye contact with any of us.

  “Beth, shall I take the baby so you can enjoy your gift?” asked Dorothy, pushing up from her chair.

  “No,” said Beth, then softened. “No, thank you, mom. All set. Be right back.” Beth gave me a strange look, like maybe I should have offered to change Jonathan’s diaper.

  “What’s in the box, Thomas?” asked Pete inquisitively, over the din of Jonathan. Beth headed down the hall carrying the box and Jonathan who screamed all the way till she shut the door to the bedroom.

  “Blessed silence without that child to break the Christmas cheer,” whispered the Shadowed Soul.

  “What did you say?” asked Dorothy, surprised. I pretended not to hear her question, even though I was totally aware of how churlish my attitude was. But my quiet joy had been monopolized by the shattering noise of this tiny individual.

  “Maybe Beth needs a hand?” suggested Pete picking up on the sudden tension. I realized he meant me. I seized the opportunity to avoid further conflict.

  “Need help?” I hollered nonchalantly as I headed down the hall after Beth.

  Jonathan’s screams stung as I closed the bedroom door behind me. He kicked and thrashed so much that Beth had to grip his ankles like a strung chicken as she wiped him down. It did not occur to me to offer to help and Jonathan continued to scream and squirm.

  “The child sensed your happiness and wanted to spoil it,” muttered the Shadowed Soul.

  “Shut up,” I snapped at the Shadowed Soul.

  “What?” asked Beth, astonished, as she struggled with Jonathan.

  “Not you,” I replied irascibly, noticing the robin’s egg blue box stuffed alongside rash creams and diapers in the top drawer of the changing table on which Beth wrangled with Jonathan.

  “You’re telling our baby to shut up?” asked Beth in disbelief.

  “No, I--” I could not explain. Beth shook her head, keeping her full attention on Jonathan’s diaper.

  “See!” whispered the Shadowed Soul in his weird mental telepathy so Beth could not hear him this time. “That kid is totally stealing your thunder with the chick, man.” I nodded. I had to agree with him.

  “Beth, I just don’t understand why we adults have abandoned our Christmas in order to crowd around an infant,” I said. Beth glanced at me with fire in her eyes.

  “Ummmm, I’m sorry, I forgot,” said Beth sarcastically. “Baby Jesus never cried or had a diaper change.”

  “I know the message of Christmas, Beth, but Jonathan acts like he’s the only person in the house!”

  “He’s a baby!” defended Beth snarling like a mother bear. “He can not control his actions, Thomas. That’s what adults do.” Be the adult, I thought miserably embarrassed.

  “Beth, surely, it would be good to let him cry sometimes,” I said logically. “So he’ll learn it will take more than screeching to get his way.” I judged as Beth preened and nursed the squalling mess.

  “He had a poop, Thomas!” snapped Beth. “Maybe you could offer to change him next time.”

  Today can’t get worse, I thought.

  “Ah, but it will,” whispered the Shadowed Soul cloyingly.

  “I think it’d be best if Jonathan sleeps with us tonight,” Beth announced. “My parents would love a full night’s sleep for a change.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was unfair, and although it made no logical sense to me, a part of me believed that this whimpering child had maneuvered the situation so that I would not be able to spend another moment alone with his mother.

  “Why are you making this decision without consulting me?” I demanded, attacking with question after question. Why couldn’t the baby sleep in his grandparent’s room? I found Beth’s eagerness to avoid another night alone with me to be insulting. We had had such a romantic morning that I wanted to make love to my wife again. How could I fulfill my desire with a crying baby in the same room?

  Beth ignored me as she nursed our son to sleep rocking in the chair she had parked deliberately right in front of the changing table.

  And so when it came time for bed I helped Pete moved the crib from their room into Beth’s room. Awkwardly, we all said good night and before I went to bed I excused myself to the kitchen and sat next to Bailey for half an hour. Relieved to be with my non-judgmental friend, I happily presented him with the chew bone I had bought him and he had accepted it with quiet grace.

  “I missed you, boy,” I said as I stroked Bailey. Before I turned in for the night, I watched a contented tableau of Bailey’s gentle mouth gnawing the soft rubber chew bone on the floor of the kitchen, cozily lit by the blue glow of the coffee maker.

  Exhausted from my feeding frenzy of emotions, I climbed into bed expectantly hoping Beth would be up for a repeat of this morning’s glory. Thankfully the child had quieted down allowing me to think more clearly. Finally the baby gave up his personal struggle to stay awake. Grateful for restored silence, I was faced with the resolution of Beth’s bee in her bonnet. Since she had rushed off to diaper the screaming baby, she had not mentioned my robin’s egg blue gift box.

  “So, the box wasn’t from Tiffany and Company,” said Beth without a drop of joy in her voice. Part of me was terrified of how the conversation would proceed. I made a conscious choice not to step into a mine field, and remained silent. She knew I could not afford gifts from a place like that.

  “You look beautiful, Beth,” I attempted. But, she ignored me.

  I wish I knew what was in that stupid fucking box, chasm of sinister mystery. I had bought the presents with such wanton abandon. I questioned my sanity even more than I usually do. Why could I not recall? Beth gave me no clues and I was afraid to ask. She had appeared to be neither delighted nor reviled. Her demeanor had just changed imperceptibly. Somehow Beth was suddenly stealthier and more observant. I felt it because I knew her better that I knew myself. And so as we sat making small talk about the baby, I gave myself up and steadied my heart for whatever confrontation was going to happen next. It was around midnight. Beth stood up and gently covered the baby in his crib, fussing to ensure that he was warm but not too hot, and all I could do was watch.

  “Thomas, I need to go to sleep,” Beth announced in a voice that held neither accusation nor rancor. Surely she was not trying to torture me but I sensed this mystery would not be solved this evening. “It’s been such a long day. My eyes feel like they are made of cement.”

  “Okay.” Was all I could say as she climbed into bed beside me in her day clothes.

  “Sometimes when I'm holding him as he drops off to sleep it's like I
get sleepy by osmosis,” said Beth planting a kiss gingerly on my forehead.

  “I get the impression that you want to talk about something, Beth,” I said.

  “I do but I don't know if tonight’s the right time,” said Beth. “I need to process a few things and I'm tired and maybe had a little too much to drink.”

  “Yeah, your eggnog dance was pretty terrifying,” I said laughing a little. My head was feeling woozy and I needed sleep but I also knew that the chances were I would never sleep tonight until I knew what was in the box. I could wait until Beth fell asleep and forage through the diaper drawer where she had stashed it. “Beth I need to tell you something and it's going to sound really weird, but your last gift, well the thing is I don't remember buying it. I know that sounds crazy but when I'm like that, you know, the way I’ve been over the past few months, my actions feel disjointed, as though they are being completed by two different people at slightly different times, and, and, and that is a scary thing for me. But it's something that I have learned to deal with. But the fact that I bought you a gift and I don't know what it is, well, that scares me, Beth.”

  “Thomas, honey, and it scares me a bit, too,” ventured Beth cautiously. “I don't know what that present meant and I am confused by it.”

  “Please, Beth, please tell me what was in the box,” I implored her.

  For the first time since she had opened the box I saw her frown and she looked at me with a worried expression for a long and loaded moment.

  “You honestly have no idea?” asked Beth.

  “No, I'm truly sorry, I don't,” I replied truthfully.

  Beth nodded patiently and moved over to the diaper changing table to open the top drawer. She brought out the robin’s egg blue box and handed it to me. For what felt like a millennium I stared at the lid. Did I really want to know what was in this box? What the hell was wrong with me? When I opened the box my heart sank.

  The shiny object glinted in the lamplight and I stared in disbelief. I could feel Beth looking at me but I could not bring myself to turn and face her. My brain raced as I tried to work out where I had bought these. I had no recollection of going to a shop that sold them. Had I bought them online? Had I bought more than one pair? And to whom would I have given it? Pete? My brain ached as I tried to recall. How was it that the Shadowed Soul could control me as a puppet? These things should never have been brought into this house. They should never have been given to my beautiful wife and yet I had.